Asteroids Protest Earth Day
Chanting "We're here! We're Small! Get Used To It!" residents of the asteroid belt Wednesday protested the designation of a special day, "Earth Day," to honor only one planet.
Objecting to geo-centrism and size-ism, asteroids demanded that the Solar System recognize small bodies that do not clear their orbits as equals to the eight so-called "major planets."
"We are the invisible majority," said a 100-meter jagged rock who preferred to remain anonymous. "Just because you can't see us with the naked eye doesn't mean we don't orbit the sun. Some of us have moons just like you big planets."
A threat believed to originate with the Asteroid Liberation Front (ALF for you 80s TV fans) demanded recognition from Earth, "or else we might send a suicide bomber to smack into you. Don't forget what happened to the dinosaurs."
ALF also demanded that Jupiter stop disrupting asteroid orbits and release the outer moons it captured from the asteroid belt, calling them "prisoners of gravity." The group also called for an end to the use of prejudicial terms like "minor planet" and description of their off-center, out of ecliptic plane orbits as "eccentric."
But other asteroids denounced the ALF threats. "I've been discovered since 1861, and I keep quietly orbiting between Mars and Jupiter every 3.437 Earth years," said asteroid 65 Cybele. "We're not all a bunch of burn-outs like those damn comets."
Of the larger planets, only Mercury expressed any solidarity with ALF. "First they came for Pluto, and I was silent," said the rarely visible first planet from the sun.
"Stop laughing at my name," said Uranus.
Earth, as usual, ignored the asteroid threat.