Sunday, April 01, 2012

Four Score And Seven Vampires Ago

If I had seen the trailer today instead of yesterday, I wouldn't have believed it. But apparently this is a real thing: Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter?!?

This isn't a low-budget, Godzilla rubber-suit effort. No, it's a major Tim Burton epic. The book, it seems, was quite the hit a couple years ago. Spoiler alert, I guess:
Lincoln and fellow vampire slayer William Seward are told that the vampires in the South intend to start a civil war so that they can conquer the north and enslave all humans of America. Lincoln is ordered to debate Stephen A. Douglas in what become known as the Lincoln-Douglas debates. Although Lincoln loses to Douglas (an ally of the Southern vampires), he gains a great deal of publicity and respect, which allows him to capture the Republican Party nomination for president and then the office itself.

Lincoln's election triggers the secession of the southern states and the start of the American Civil War. Early battles, such as the First Battle of Bull Run go poorly for the Union troops after they are attacked by Confederate vampires...
And John Wilkes Booth? Vampire.

Most of the youngish crowd at The Hunger Games took the trailer in stride, but there were a few chuckles at the concept from some of us old timers. I, of course, thought it was the funniest high/low concept since Snakes On A Plane.

There MUST be sequels. My top ten suggestions:

  • FDR Vampire Hunter: The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Vampires Themselves

  • JFK Vampire Hunter: Ask Not What Vampires Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do To Hunt Vampires

  • Richard Nixon Vampire Hunter: "People want to know if their president is a vampire. Well I'm not a vampire." (Followed quickly by the straight to home video Gerald Ford, Vampire Pardoner.)

  • Bill Clinton Vampire Hunter: I did not have sexual relations with that vampire

  • Andrew Jackson Vampire Hunter: I have had it with these M&@()#^F@)+ing vampires in the M&@()#^F@)+ing White House -oops, that's Samuel L. Jackson Vampire Hunter.

  • Transylvania is hiding weapons of mass destruction, says George W. Bush Vampire Hunter

  • Barack Obama Vampire Hunter: Yes We Can hunt some vampires

  • Ronald Reagan Vampire Hunter: Mr. Dracula, tear down this castle!

  • George H.W. Bush Vampire Hunter: Read My Lips, No New Vampires

  • Teddy Roosevelt, Vampire Hunter: Speak Softly And Carry A Big Stake
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